Hope helps keep God feeling close. It helps me to pray without ceasing. So, I must not give up on giving up what gets between God and me or on doing what gets me closer.
I have a great gift; I'm crazy with a purpose. I keep hope of not being so hamstrung. And, hope keeps me mindful of God, thus closer to Him.
A new prayer for me to say early in the day is, "Dear God, how can I get closer to you today?" That might help keep hope going.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Oh! That is so hard for me to do!....since I am partially paranoid.
(Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you.)
If anything goes wrong with a friend or near one, in my broken brain I think they are condemning me.
I have a niece whom I am close too, because for the last eight years we have been re-united over a common goal, that of recovering from the abuses we have received from my nuts brother, her nuts father.
My niece and her husband are odd in some ways. (So am I.) The following e-mail draft to her is self-explanatory:
Subject: I Have Something to Say
As close as we are, I don't feel trusted. I do feel singled-out, even though you said you are not singling me out.
End.
Having learned from past experience about the effects of sending emotionally charged mail, I paused awhile, then rewrote my e-mail:
Subject: Calls and E-mails
End.
Good advice is to set aside any letter, or save as a draft any e-mail, that is sensitive and/or emotion laden, and think about it for a good while. You will probably decide on watering it down, or not even sending it.
Also, it is wise whenever typing an e-mail, to make putting in the recipient's address last, just before sending it.
The Book of Proverbs has many things to say about this sort of thing. One I remember is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
(Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you.)
If anything goes wrong with a friend or near one, in my broken brain I think they are condemning me.
I have a niece whom I am close too, because for the last eight years we have been re-united over a common goal, that of recovering from the abuses we have received from my nuts brother, her nuts father.
My niece and her husband are odd in some ways. (So am I.) The following e-mail draft to her is self-explanatory:
Subject: I Have Something to Say
Recently you addressed the matter of e-mail to you as having to go through John now.
Recently before that you addressed my question about always having to go through John when I want to call you.
This is peculiar timing.
You guys are entitled to set your terms for dealing with me however you want. And, I have set terms for myself which I think are more healthy for me. I am no longer going to be subjected to checking in with a gatekeeper in order to talk or write to my niece, whom I have never ever hurt or done anything wrong to, and never will. It has always felt wrong to have to do that absolutely every time, but I have submitted to it.
How would you feel if any and every time you wanted to call me, you had to check in with Aunt Leslie first?
I wrote this just so you know why you don't hear from me.
I don't even know where you live.
End.
Having learned from past experience about the effects of sending emotionally charged mail, I paused awhile, then rewrote my e-mail:
Subject: Calls and E-mails
I don't want to always go thru John to call you or e-mail you. You can always call or write me or come over, though, without going thru Aunt Leslie.
End.
Good advice is to set aside any letter, or save as a draft any e-mail, that is sensitive and/or emotion laden, and think about it for a good while. You will probably decide on watering it down, or not even sending it.
Also, it is wise whenever typing an e-mail, to make putting in the recipient's address last, just before sending it.
The Book of Proverbs has many things to say about this sort of thing. One I remember is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Fast Forgiving
Why not be a fast forgiver?
An alcoholic nun at an AA meeting I attended said she immediately forgives, believing that is the best way. That sounds good. We know we must forgive, so why beat around the bush and work up to it, causing us more distress than if we had been a fast forgiver.
I went to mass with my wife last Sunday, and the priest said in his homily that to forgive is to act as if it never happened. That's a tall order!
I believe that forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with people who just won't treat me right ever. Sometimes I think that I'm forgiving of someone just by not thinking about letting them have it!
I'm not a Catholic. I am a protester, err Protestant. But, I get a lot from the Catholics. I am a Christian, but think it is good to learn from all about faith. I can discern when another person's belief in a concept is not Christian.
It is better for us to forgive. Anyone can understand that this is so, considering all the harm to ourselves and to others that comes from lack of forgiving. But to be a fast forgiver requires being predominantly mindful of God and of our spiritual life which is real; we need to be convinced that our spiritual life is the bigger thing in us. If we are 99.99 percent mindful of our physical world, like is usual with most of us, it is impossible. Our need to be largely mindful of God and His commands in order to live in the reality of our spiritual selves, is why the Bible says to "pray without ceasing."
God does good things in us and for us anonymously. They seem natural, but God is doing them. We don't usually realize God is doing them, because they seem natural. And, the more we follow His teachings, for instance about forgiving, the more we see Him working good in our lives.
Why does God allow bad things to happen? One must ask himself then, "Would I like to live in a world where there is no progress to be made. Who would I be if there were no one to help?" I think very few people stop to think that God is preventing even worse things from happening all the time. What if we had attack squirrels?
This is just how I understand things at this point in my life - I am not preaching.
An alcoholic nun at an AA meeting I attended said she immediately forgives, believing that is the best way. That sounds good. We know we must forgive, so why beat around the bush and work up to it, causing us more distress than if we had been a fast forgiver.
I went to mass with my wife last Sunday, and the priest said in his homily that to forgive is to act as if it never happened. That's a tall order!
I believe that forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with people who just won't treat me right ever. Sometimes I think that I'm forgiving of someone just by not thinking about letting them have it!
I'm not a Catholic. I am a protester, err Protestant. But, I get a lot from the Catholics. I am a Christian, but think it is good to learn from all about faith. I can discern when another person's belief in a concept is not Christian.
It is better for us to forgive. Anyone can understand that this is so, considering all the harm to ourselves and to others that comes from lack of forgiving. But to be a fast forgiver requires being predominantly mindful of God and of our spiritual life which is real; we need to be convinced that our spiritual life is the bigger thing in us. If we are 99.99 percent mindful of our physical world, like is usual with most of us, it is impossible. Our need to be largely mindful of God and His commands in order to live in the reality of our spiritual selves, is why the Bible says to "pray without ceasing."
God does good things in us and for us anonymously. They seem natural, but God is doing them. We don't usually realize God is doing them, because they seem natural. And, the more we follow His teachings, for instance about forgiving, the more we see Him working good in our lives.
Why does God allow bad things to happen? One must ask himself then, "Would I like to live in a world where there is no progress to be made. Who would I be if there were no one to help?" I think very few people stop to think that God is preventing even worse things from happening all the time. What if we had attack squirrels?
This is just how I understand things at this point in my life - I am not preaching.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It's Like Living Longer - Also, Growing-up
It's like living longer to do more with the 24 hours I am given each day.
I must not waste so much time - that is like shortening my life.
I am always chomping at the bit to do work, projects, and to learn - there is so much life to live!
Most of my troubles are explained by the dysfunctional family life, the unhealthy examples I modeled after, et al, in childhood.
I didn't grow-up well. I'm maladjusted.
I CAN STILL DO THE GROWING-UP I DIDN'T DO EARLIER!
Largely it will take self-control against the forces and impulses I feel, and pushing myself through the resistance I feel in myself. Literally crying-out to God wouldn't hurt, either!
I must not waste so much time - that is like shortening my life.
I am always chomping at the bit to do work, projects, and to learn - there is so much life to live!
Most of my troubles are explained by the dysfunctional family life, the unhealthy examples I modeled after, et al, in childhood.
I didn't grow-up well. I'm maladjusted.
I CAN STILL DO THE GROWING-UP I DIDN'T DO EARLIER!
Largely it will take self-control against the forces and impulses I feel, and pushing myself through the resistance I feel in myself. Literally crying-out to God wouldn't hurt, either!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Trouble Learning to Adjust
Going from being an industrial salesman to working under roof close to others daily had it's difficulties for me.
When I was a salesman, my major career, I liked getting prospects' and customers' birthdays through conversations. I would usually mail them a card. And, I just never gave up the practice. I still do this with friends, calling them or e-mailing them to wish them a happy birthday. Maybe they think it is strange.
Oftentimes, people will refer to their birthday approximately, like mentioning the month, or that they recently celebrated their birthday, or some other reference. Then, I would ask, "Which day?" They forget that we spoke of their birthday.
Customers are not as surprised, though, because it's a common practice of salespeople.
Sometimes holding onto my salesman behavior is not so good, though, and maybe I should think more about adjusting to the situation. I remember my first programming job. I would often look out the window, and wish I were "free," i.e. had more mobility. That just made me like programming less.
In 1997, as a programmer at an insurance company, there was a very nice woman I would talk with across the aisle. We often talked enthusiastically about our religion. One day I was telling her that I left my car at a garage in her part of town before work, and about our routes or something, indicating that we had been in proximity to each other on the way to work. Then I said something that stopped her from talking to me thereafter. It was a common phrase people used that had a clear meaning to those I had talked to out and about as a salesman. I joked innocently to her that, "I was following you." That ended-up being a big, big mistake. That turned her into looking like a scared little rabbit. I was so worried that I called the EAP, proactively to explain what happened. The EAP woman told me that it doesn't fit to bowl people over in an office, whereas it was normal when out selling and joking around. Later, I apologized to the scared little rabbit, and that made things better. She thanked me for explaining and apologizing.
I am sure that I made the same mistake, of bowling people over, at my new job a year ago, which led to some misunderstanding, and I got fired. Several years ago, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I learned that I have a certain degree of "adjustment disorder," whatever that means. But, it sounds like I didn't adjust myself successfully to working indoors with groups of people. And, believe it or not, big, old me has been more naive than most people all my life. (I was suppressed, repressed, and sheltered a lot in my youth.)
Ironically, I am basically a quiet person, which probably stems from being squelched in childhood. I think this leads to occasional naiveness and clumsiness in talking, because of developmental deficiencies. But, in one of my first few days in training for that job last year, the supervisor said, "You're sure quiet," which I nervously read a lot of things into. I was afraid I wouldn't be in his favor if I didn't talk more. So, I made myself more talkative.
I have never been very good at being cool, which seems to be a necessity in life. I have had a lot of depression and self-doubt kinds of things that reduce confident and successful behavior. Even in high school, the editor of the school newspaper wrote that I was "tetched in the head." I guess he thought I was different and not cool. A national guard officer told me that they had more trouble than with anybody ever in deciding whether or not to graduate me from the Reserve Officer Candidate School, probably generally due to my lack of self-confidence more than anything. (And, things didn't go well as a 2nd lieutenant - subordinates took advantage of me.)
I have just now revealed a lot about myself, but I just scratched the surface!
I try to be aware of what I need to change in myself, and I try to grow (up).
When I was a salesman, my major career, I liked getting prospects' and customers' birthdays through conversations. I would usually mail them a card. And, I just never gave up the practice. I still do this with friends, calling them or e-mailing them to wish them a happy birthday. Maybe they think it is strange.
Oftentimes, people will refer to their birthday approximately, like mentioning the month, or that they recently celebrated their birthday, or some other reference. Then, I would ask, "Which day?" They forget that we spoke of their birthday.
Customers are not as surprised, though, because it's a common practice of salespeople.
Sometimes holding onto my salesman behavior is not so good, though, and maybe I should think more about adjusting to the situation. I remember my first programming job. I would often look out the window, and wish I were "free," i.e. had more mobility. That just made me like programming less.
In 1997, as a programmer at an insurance company, there was a very nice woman I would talk with across the aisle. We often talked enthusiastically about our religion. One day I was telling her that I left my car at a garage in her part of town before work, and about our routes or something, indicating that we had been in proximity to each other on the way to work. Then I said something that stopped her from talking to me thereafter. It was a common phrase people used that had a clear meaning to those I had talked to out and about as a salesman. I joked innocently to her that, "I was following you." That ended-up being a big, big mistake. That turned her into looking like a scared little rabbit. I was so worried that I called the EAP, proactively to explain what happened. The EAP woman told me that it doesn't fit to bowl people over in an office, whereas it was normal when out selling and joking around. Later, I apologized to the scared little rabbit, and that made things better. She thanked me for explaining and apologizing.
I am sure that I made the same mistake, of bowling people over, at my new job a year ago, which led to some misunderstanding, and I got fired. Several years ago, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I learned that I have a certain degree of "adjustment disorder," whatever that means. But, it sounds like I didn't adjust myself successfully to working indoors with groups of people. And, believe it or not, big, old me has been more naive than most people all my life. (I was suppressed, repressed, and sheltered a lot in my youth.)
Ironically, I am basically a quiet person, which probably stems from being squelched in childhood. I think this leads to occasional naiveness and clumsiness in talking, because of developmental deficiencies. But, in one of my first few days in training for that job last year, the supervisor said, "You're sure quiet," which I nervously read a lot of things into. I was afraid I wouldn't be in his favor if I didn't talk more. So, I made myself more talkative.
I have never been very good at being cool, which seems to be a necessity in life. I have had a lot of depression and self-doubt kinds of things that reduce confident and successful behavior. Even in high school, the editor of the school newspaper wrote that I was "tetched in the head." I guess he thought I was different and not cool. A national guard officer told me that they had more trouble than with anybody ever in deciding whether or not to graduate me from the Reserve Officer Candidate School, probably generally due to my lack of self-confidence more than anything. (And, things didn't go well as a 2nd lieutenant - subordinates took advantage of me.)
I have just now revealed a lot about myself, but I just scratched the surface!
I try to be aware of what I need to change in myself, and I try to grow (up).
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Marriage, My Spiritual Engine
I have had a difficult marriage. It's not my wife's fault. It's just a match problem, and communication problems.
Billy Graham said, "Some of you are married to the wrong person. Then, you need to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus."
This blog entry assumes being serious about following God. And, I have concluded that's the most important thing in life, to follow my Creator.
Many things I do that result in being monogamous and in staying married are solely due to trying to obey God, and not for my wife's sake. However, these things end up being good for my wife and for myself.
I wear my ring when I leave the house, as a discipline, not because I want to.
I didn't date around much at all before "having to get married," so I admittedly yearn to enjoy the company of different women. We all know acting that out does not work. So, I do what I once heard called "hedging." I do anything I can think of to foul-up advancing a relationship. I throw a "wrench in the works" somewhere along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am ripping my guts out in doing that, because I want to get close to a woman. (Due to communication problems, my wife and I are not all that close.)
A common occurrence is for people to say, "Just get a divorce," that is, if you tell people about your misery. I strongly warn not to heed their advice. I always ignored them, because those who say that have been divorced. So, this is an example of being honest with myself, about what I need to do about my marriage.
I could write a book about this subject. But, I have written enough to get to my conclusion. For one who is trying to put God first, when they have thoughts and/or actions in favor of nurturing life and marriage, all that thought and action generates a reward of ever increasing faith, hope, and love of God, and that is what we're here for. And, experiencing all the feelings I do of being close to God, I know I am doing the "better thing." Even though, I sometimes get down thinking about what a shame to go through life being happily, unhappily married, the Eternal Life trumps that. And, Eternal Life is now and forever.
No pain, no gain!
I could call this spiritual engine my "Greener Grass Machine." The grass is not usually greener on the other side of fence. But, acknowledging marriage as a spiritual engine, one can see that it grows the greener grass!
Billy Graham said, "Some of you are married to the wrong person. Then, you need to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus."
This blog entry assumes being serious about following God. And, I have concluded that's the most important thing in life, to follow my Creator.
Many things I do that result in being monogamous and in staying married are solely due to trying to obey God, and not for my wife's sake. However, these things end up being good for my wife and for myself.
I wear my ring when I leave the house, as a discipline, not because I want to.
I didn't date around much at all before "having to get married," so I admittedly yearn to enjoy the company of different women. We all know acting that out does not work. So, I do what I once heard called "hedging." I do anything I can think of to foul-up advancing a relationship. I throw a "wrench in the works" somewhere along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am ripping my guts out in doing that, because I want to get close to a woman. (Due to communication problems, my wife and I are not all that close.)
A common occurrence is for people to say, "Just get a divorce," that is, if you tell people about your misery. I strongly warn not to heed their advice. I always ignored them, because those who say that have been divorced. So, this is an example of being honest with myself, about what I need to do about my marriage.
I could write a book about this subject. But, I have written enough to get to my conclusion. For one who is trying to put God first, when they have thoughts and/or actions in favor of nurturing life and marriage, all that thought and action generates a reward of ever increasing faith, hope, and love of God, and that is what we're here for. And, experiencing all the feelings I do of being close to God, I know I am doing the "better thing." Even though, I sometimes get down thinking about what a shame to go through life being happily, unhappily married, the Eternal Life trumps that. And, Eternal Life is now and forever.
No pain, no gain!
I could call this spiritual engine my "Greener Grass Machine." The grass is not usually greener on the other side of fence. But, acknowledging marriage as a spiritual engine, one can see that it grows the greener grass!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Here's Why I Was Called "Tetched" In My High School Newspaper
If you want to learn some more about me, here's some of what happened to me along the way, before I was twenty. It is what I am encumbered with while trying to cope, grow, or even survive:
Thank you for reading this far. This is a life. We are all sacred.
1. Not properly nurtured.
2. Abandonment - physical.
3. Abandonment - emotional.
4. Abandonment - mental/not allowed to think for myself.
5. Physical abuse.
6. Not socialized under age 5.
7. Violation of boundaries AND even thoughts.
8. Emotional abuse.
9. Mental abuse.
10. Sexual abuse.
11. Pathological sibling rivalry.
12. Scapegoated: negative self-image, naive, go back for more abuse, lack defenses, more.
13. No freedom of expression, squelched, shut-down.
14. Infantized.
15. Marginalized.
16. Emotional deprivation.
17. Emotional incest.
18. Triple standard.
19. Traumatic experiences and witnessings.
20. Terrible, frightening discord between parents, even though it was all verbal.
21. Rage-aholic father.
22. Triangulation.
23. Rigid controlling atmosphere, not allowed to rebel, which boys need to do.
I hope I didn't depress you!
Thank you for reading this far. This is a life. We are all sacred.
I have learned a lot in dealing with the above, but still have significant trouble due to it.
"With God, all things are possible."
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Watch My Amplifier
I can think negatively so much that I get painfully depressed. Most often this happens in bed when I wake up too early. It also happens later in the day when I feel slighted by another person. And, there are other times.
I need to watch out how much I amplify disquieting thoughts and feelings. I can control that.
"Be like an astute businessman and make stillness your criterion for testing the value of everything, and choose always what contributes to it." (Philokalia vol. 1, p. 33)
It works.
I woke up too early this morning and was having a lot of "woe is me" thoughts to the point of almost thinking I have "a dim view of everyone," as my older brother told me he has. (I don't want to be like him, for numerous reasons.)
I realized that two heavy things were on my mind lately. One was trying to decide what to do about my savings due to the U.S. government possibly getting a lowered credit rating. The other was preparing to talk to a lawyer about a wrongful discharge from employment in September, 2010. I got the idea that I could put one of the two aside a few days; I could table the preparation for the lawyer until after the government credit crisis is passed.
This is what I did, combined with a decision to get up and get out and walk down to the coffee shop. I had a pleasant walk and six pleasant conversations with others on my journey.
After a short time of deciding to get up and get out, I was feeling better. Plus, in recent days, I had been pondering the concept of watching how much I amplify my thoughts and feelings, and I was trying to watch my amplifier.
And, last but not least, when I was in my downward spiraling thinking this morning, I was concurrently talking with God about it. He probably helped me make the decision to table the one issue, and to take a walk. And, He probably put those six people in my path.
I need to watch out how much I amplify disquieting thoughts and feelings. I can control that.
"Be like an astute businessman and make stillness your criterion for testing the value of everything, and choose always what contributes to it." (Philokalia vol. 1, p. 33)
It works.
I woke up too early this morning and was having a lot of "woe is me" thoughts to the point of almost thinking I have "a dim view of everyone," as my older brother told me he has. (I don't want to be like him, for numerous reasons.)
I realized that two heavy things were on my mind lately. One was trying to decide what to do about my savings due to the U.S. government possibly getting a lowered credit rating. The other was preparing to talk to a lawyer about a wrongful discharge from employment in September, 2010. I got the idea that I could put one of the two aside a few days; I could table the preparation for the lawyer until after the government credit crisis is passed.
This is what I did, combined with a decision to get up and get out and walk down to the coffee shop. I had a pleasant walk and six pleasant conversations with others on my journey.
After a short time of deciding to get up and get out, I was feeling better. Plus, in recent days, I had been pondering the concept of watching how much I amplify my thoughts and feelings, and I was trying to watch my amplifier.
And, last but not least, when I was in my downward spiraling thinking this morning, I was concurrently talking with God about it. He probably helped me make the decision to table the one issue, and to take a walk. And, He probably put those six people in my path.
Friday, July 1, 2011
How Close to Others
As I lay awake in the middle of the night, I was thinking that I have never really felt close to any woman. I don't trust them to be honest and fully accepting and trusting of me and loyal to me.
I wondered how much of that was caused by my mother's example in her relationships, and how she treated me, and how she acted, with her quirks and fears.
I wondered if the source of that were more from me or from them. I wondered if God has it in His plan for me to feel that close with any woman ever.
I asked God about it. I started getting thoughts that I should feel that close to everyone. And how? By being at one with them, unified and united with the good in them. Letting the bad in them fall away, fall off of them, by forgiving, accepting, and loving them.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Clean Garbage Thinking
Not all garbage is dirty.
All my extraneous thinking is too, too much. If I learn to avoid it even before I attain pure thinking, before I rid myself of sinful and/or selfish thinking, that would be a major improvement.
Ridding myself of that probably even will reduce my stress and improve my self-esteem enough to lessen the desire for seeking sin to feel better. The absence of excess, random thinking brings the presence of God, brings union with Him. Religiosity creates lots of thinking, holding yardsticks up to myself and others, self-flagellation. This is self-defeating in reaching the goal of peace in the presence of God.
My garbage thinking is hugely about not measuring-up. The thoughts are small and can hardly be noticed – they swarm like mosquitoes. If I catch one, I need to consider which is more important, what that thought is about, or what peace not thinking such thoughts will bring. They are like the dust around a tornado at the ground. They get stirred up by my beliefs about having to improve, control, perform. This may actually be how lack of performance and lack of accomplishment come about, at least in my case. It could start with impatience, which hides many maladies behind it’s cloak.
All that garbage thinking is about getting where and how I want to be, and it misses the mark. That method will keep me perpetually behind where I want to be, which is to “be is still and know that I am God."
This is how even thinking about things that are not sinful is garbage.
All is well with my soul, now, if I just rest my mind.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Can I Find Some More Discipline?
I've got some discipline, but I want to say, "I don't have any discipline." Many people generalize and say that a shortcoming of theirs is total and universal throughout their behavior. But, we sell ourselves short by not recognizing shortcomings are usually limited.
I know at least two things I have good discipline in: exercising, and personal hygiene. So there! I didn't underrate myself this time!
I am attempting to commit to writing my blog daily, for some good reasons. First, if anyone reads it and wants to read what's next, a new writing will be there the next day. And, if I do write it daily, it will be somewhat of a paradigm shift in my routine, of which I have very little of, routines. I have a great deal of difficulty managing myself.
That might have something to do with never having been a manager or leader. I have an MBA, and have worked over thirty years, and never have been a manager. Low self-esteem is another cause of that I am sure. And, I believe something I discovered in my mid-fifties is another important reason. That is being a scapegoat in my birth family, which included what I call a "pathological sibling rivalry" with my nine years older brother. I think that is a major factor in my excelling in many things, then walking away from what I achieved; I was trained not to do better than my brother.
You can see that I have lots to write about, and in subsequent writings I will delve into these sorts of things and some progress I have made in dealing with them. And, I have other subject to write about, also.
I know at least two things I have good discipline in: exercising, and personal hygiene. So there! I didn't underrate myself this time!
I am attempting to commit to writing my blog daily, for some good reasons. First, if anyone reads it and wants to read what's next, a new writing will be there the next day. And, if I do write it daily, it will be somewhat of a paradigm shift in my routine, of which I have very little of, routines. I have a great deal of difficulty managing myself.
That might have something to do with never having been a manager or leader. I have an MBA, and have worked over thirty years, and never have been a manager. Low self-esteem is another cause of that I am sure. And, I believe something I discovered in my mid-fifties is another important reason. That is being a scapegoat in my birth family, which included what I call a "pathological sibling rivalry" with my nine years older brother. I think that is a major factor in my excelling in many things, then walking away from what I achieved; I was trained not to do better than my brother.
You can see that I have lots to write about, and in subsequent writings I will delve into these sorts of things and some progress I have made in dealing with them. And, I have other subject to write about, also.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Dr. Bob on Humility
Sometimes I am inspired with some good ideas to type about. So far, since I began my blog June 1st, 2011, I have not had a time like that. But, I am cognizant that I must write daily, for anyone who might read something and want to come back for more on another day.
Dr. Bob Smith is a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have included something from him.
Dr. Bob Smith is a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have included something from him.
"On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility. 'Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.'"
(from Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p.222)
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Cost of Feeling Bad
Feeling bad can be reduced or eliminated.
I have been feeling bad all of my life, often. I get bad feelings from not doing better. Or, other people not doing better. I get hurt feelings way too often. I feel undeserved shame all too often. I feel deprived. And so on.
My career has been like a train wreck.
There is a close connection between my messed-up career and my tendency to feel bad.
Recently, I came to believe that I can control my bad feelings. I don't have to frolic in my feelings, when I think about the cost. I hate to admit, that along with realizing that I can limit my bad feelings, I realized that lack of humility feeds them and makes them grow. How dare they do that to me? Who do they think they are? I'm not going to do a project because I am afraid I won't do it perfectly. Why is everybody always picking on me?
The bad feelings impede living a successful life. They hamstring me. They do no good at all.
Why didn't I do this earlier? I wasn't ready. Now I have a whole lifetime to review what has happened.
I have been feeling bad all of my life, often. I get bad feelings from not doing better. Or, other people not doing better. I get hurt feelings way too often. I feel undeserved shame all too often. I feel deprived. And so on.
My career has been like a train wreck.
There is a close connection between my messed-up career and my tendency to feel bad.
Recently, I came to believe that I can control my bad feelings. I don't have to frolic in my feelings, when I think about the cost. I hate to admit, that along with realizing that I can limit my bad feelings, I realized that lack of humility feeds them and makes them grow. How dare they do that to me? Who do they think they are? I'm not going to do a project because I am afraid I won't do it perfectly. Why is everybody always picking on me?
The bad feelings impede living a successful life. They hamstring me. They do no good at all.
Why didn't I do this earlier? I wasn't ready. Now I have a whole lifetime to review what has happened.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
God Often Does Things in My Life in Threes
Some months after God said, "Don't think about it, and I will take care of you," I was looking out the back window at the trees and sky. I asked God, "Do you really love me?" and He said, "Of course I love you."
Some years after that, I was meditating. I was about to fall asleep, and God said my name. It was a nice, masculine voice.
Those are the three times God spoke to me in words, that I can remember, or that I heard.
Some years after that, I was meditating. I was about to fall asleep, and God said my name. It was a nice, masculine voice.
Those are the three times God spoke to me in words, that I can remember, or that I heard.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Not as This World Giveth
I don't feel like I can write well today. However, today is an anniversary I revere in my personal history. I have heard that if you are interested in being a writer, you should write something everyday. And, I have heard from a few that I should write, because they enjoyed something I wrote. (That never happened when I was going through school, though.)
I had the urge to apply myself to writing that others may be interested in, maybe, for a long time. And, today is the 20th anniversary of something very wonderful that happened to me that I was trying to think of a way to honor. Not coming up with anything, I got the idea two days ago that starting writing would be my way to mark this anniversary.
Like I said, I don't feel like writing today, so I will just type about the event without a lot of words. For a couple of weeks prior to June 3, 1991, I was doing almost constant negative thinking about something. This got me in a depressive dark cloud. Then, on this day twenty years ago, God spoke to me. The words came crystal clear into my head, not into my ears. There was an unearthly light everywhere. God said, "Don't think about it, and I will take care of you." And, at that moment He took away the depression. I stopped thinking those negative thoughts about that unmentioned subject.
Ever since, I have treated those words as highly as I treat scripture. They help me.
I had the urge to apply myself to writing that others may be interested in, maybe, for a long time. And, today is the 20th anniversary of something very wonderful that happened to me that I was trying to think of a way to honor. Not coming up with anything, I got the idea two days ago that starting writing would be my way to mark this anniversary.
Like I said, I don't feel like writing today, so I will just type about the event without a lot of words. For a couple of weeks prior to June 3, 1991, I was doing almost constant negative thinking about something. This got me in a depressive dark cloud. Then, on this day twenty years ago, God spoke to me. The words came crystal clear into my head, not into my ears. There was an unearthly light everywhere. God said, "Don't think about it, and I will take care of you." And, at that moment He took away the depression. I stopped thinking those negative thoughts about that unmentioned subject.
Ever since, I have treated those words as highly as I treat scripture. They help me.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Brain is Like a Lawnmower Engine Missing a Part
Lawnmower engines have a governor that prevents the rotations per minute from getting too high. And, of course, lawnmower engines have spark plugs.
Sometimes my brain races about stuff, then I feel miserable. It is like an engine without a governor.
Sometimes thoughts come into my mind like sparks from a spark plug. My cognitions are like rapid-fire ignitions at times like that.
On occasion, I decide to try my very best to not think for just two minutes. (Unplug my spark plug.) It seems do-able. And, when I succeed, it turns everything for the better, and I no longer feel miserable. I then go quite awhile without racing thoughts, I can think better, and I have more energy. I get a lot of "bang for my buck" from those two minutes of not thinking.
Sometimes my brain races about stuff, then I feel miserable. It is like an engine without a governor.
Sometimes thoughts come into my mind like sparks from a spark plug. My cognitions are like rapid-fire ignitions at times like that.
On occasion, I decide to try my very best to not think for just two minutes. (Unplug my spark plug.) It seems do-able. And, when I succeed, it turns everything for the better, and I no longer feel miserable. I then go quite awhile without racing thoughts, I can think better, and I have more energy. I get a lot of "bang for my buck" from those two minutes of not thinking.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I'm Not Too Fond of Being Called "Buddy"
I have a good old friend who is bi-polar. We were talking today about how we don't enjoy being called "Buddy." It seems cold, impersonal, and shallow. We certainly are not buddies of the people who call us "buddy."
I said that there are not many people who are as deeply alive and aware as we are. That brought to mind some script from the last "Monk" show, which I could really appreciate. Monk had obsessive, compulsive disorder. In this show, Adrian Monk's best friend and police chief said this about the dying Monk, and I felt like it fit myself and my good old friend:
"I had him all wrong. I know that now. I always thought that Monk was not all there, like there was something missing, like he was less than human.
"But, he wasn't missing anything, he was seeing more than anybody, he was feeling more than anybody. That was his problem. He was too human. If we had more like him, we'd be better off."
I said that there are not many people who are as deeply alive and aware as we are. That brought to mind some script from the last "Monk" show, which I could really appreciate. Monk had obsessive, compulsive disorder. In this show, Adrian Monk's best friend and police chief said this about the dying Monk, and I felt like it fit myself and my good old friend:
"I had him all wrong. I know that now. I always thought that Monk was not all there, like there was something missing, like he was less than human.
"But, he wasn't missing anything, he was seeing more than anybody, he was feeling more than anybody. That was his problem. He was too human. If we had more like him, we'd be better off."
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