When you come to see that there is not much love on earth, THEN you can arrive at preferring God in your choices; God is love.
Take leaps of faith to grow up your spiritual being, and grow down your earthly being, where there is no faith.
Do not be put off by others' fearful sides. The source of all their unkind behavior is their fear. Speak to their true self, the core, the child of God, what they were meant to be, and are at their core. Look for that.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
One of These is Hope
Hope helps keep God feeling close. It helps me to pray without ceasing. So, I must not give up on giving up what gets between God and me or on doing what gets me closer.
I have a great gift; I'm crazy with a purpose. I keep hope of not being so hamstrung. And, hope keeps me mindful of God, thus closer to Him.
A new prayer for me to say early in the day is, "Dear God, how can I get closer to you today?" That might help keep hope going.
I have a great gift; I'm crazy with a purpose. I keep hope of not being so hamstrung. And, hope keeps me mindful of God, thus closer to Him.
A new prayer for me to say early in the day is, "Dear God, how can I get closer to you today?" That might help keep hope going.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Oh! That is so hard for me to do!....since I am partially paranoid.
(Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you.)
If anything goes wrong with a friend or near one, in my broken brain I think they are condemning me.
I have a niece whom I am close too, because for the last eight years we have been re-united over a common goal, that of recovering from the abuses we have received from my nuts brother, her nuts father.
My niece and her husband are odd in some ways. (So am I.) The following e-mail draft to her is self-explanatory:
Subject: I Have Something to Say
As close as we are, I don't feel trusted. I do feel singled-out, even though you said you are not singling me out.
End.
Having learned from past experience about the effects of sending emotionally charged mail, I paused awhile, then rewrote my e-mail:
Subject: Calls and E-mails
End.
Good advice is to set aside any letter, or save as a draft any e-mail, that is sensitive and/or emotion laden, and think about it for a good while. You will probably decide on watering it down, or not even sending it.
Also, it is wise whenever typing an e-mail, to make putting in the recipient's address last, just before sending it.
The Book of Proverbs has many things to say about this sort of thing. One I remember is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
(Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you.)
If anything goes wrong with a friend or near one, in my broken brain I think they are condemning me.
I have a niece whom I am close too, because for the last eight years we have been re-united over a common goal, that of recovering from the abuses we have received from my nuts brother, her nuts father.
My niece and her husband are odd in some ways. (So am I.) The following e-mail draft to her is self-explanatory:
Subject: I Have Something to Say
Recently you addressed the matter of e-mail to you as having to go through John now.
Recently before that you addressed my question about always having to go through John when I want to call you.
This is peculiar timing.
You guys are entitled to set your terms for dealing with me however you want. And, I have set terms for myself which I think are more healthy for me. I am no longer going to be subjected to checking in with a gatekeeper in order to talk or write to my niece, whom I have never ever hurt or done anything wrong to, and never will. It has always felt wrong to have to do that absolutely every time, but I have submitted to it.
How would you feel if any and every time you wanted to call me, you had to check in with Aunt Leslie first?
I wrote this just so you know why you don't hear from me.
I don't even know where you live.
End.
Having learned from past experience about the effects of sending emotionally charged mail, I paused awhile, then rewrote my e-mail:
Subject: Calls and E-mails
I don't want to always go thru John to call you or e-mail you. You can always call or write me or come over, though, without going thru Aunt Leslie.
End.
Good advice is to set aside any letter, or save as a draft any e-mail, that is sensitive and/or emotion laden, and think about it for a good while. You will probably decide on watering it down, or not even sending it.
Also, it is wise whenever typing an e-mail, to make putting in the recipient's address last, just before sending it.
The Book of Proverbs has many things to say about this sort of thing. One I remember is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Fast Forgiving
Why not be a fast forgiver?
An alcoholic nun at an AA meeting I attended said she immediately forgives, believing that is the best way. That sounds good. We know we must forgive, so why beat around the bush and work up to it, causing us more distress than if we had been a fast forgiver.
I went to mass with my wife last Sunday, and the priest said in his homily that to forgive is to act as if it never happened. That's a tall order!
I believe that forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with people who just won't treat me right ever. Sometimes I think that I'm forgiving of someone just by not thinking about letting them have it!
I'm not a Catholic. I am a protester, err Protestant. But, I get a lot from the Catholics. I am a Christian, but think it is good to learn from all about faith. I can discern when another person's belief in a concept is not Christian.
It is better for us to forgive. Anyone can understand that this is so, considering all the harm to ourselves and to others that comes from lack of forgiving. But to be a fast forgiver requires being predominantly mindful of God and of our spiritual life which is real; we need to be convinced that our spiritual life is the bigger thing in us. If we are 99.99 percent mindful of our physical world, like is usual with most of us, it is impossible. Our need to be largely mindful of God and His commands in order to live in the reality of our spiritual selves, is why the Bible says to "pray without ceasing."
God does good things in us and for us anonymously. They seem natural, but God is doing them. We don't usually realize God is doing them, because they seem natural. And, the more we follow His teachings, for instance about forgiving, the more we see Him working good in our lives.
Why does God allow bad things to happen? One must ask himself then, "Would I like to live in a world where there is no progress to be made. Who would I be if there were no one to help?" I think very few people stop to think that God is preventing even worse things from happening all the time. What if we had attack squirrels?
This is just how I understand things at this point in my life - I am not preaching.
An alcoholic nun at an AA meeting I attended said she immediately forgives, believing that is the best way. That sounds good. We know we must forgive, so why beat around the bush and work up to it, causing us more distress than if we had been a fast forgiver.
I went to mass with my wife last Sunday, and the priest said in his homily that to forgive is to act as if it never happened. That's a tall order!
I believe that forgiveness does not always require reconciliation with people who just won't treat me right ever. Sometimes I think that I'm forgiving of someone just by not thinking about letting them have it!
I'm not a Catholic. I am a protester, err Protestant. But, I get a lot from the Catholics. I am a Christian, but think it is good to learn from all about faith. I can discern when another person's belief in a concept is not Christian.
It is better for us to forgive. Anyone can understand that this is so, considering all the harm to ourselves and to others that comes from lack of forgiving. But to be a fast forgiver requires being predominantly mindful of God and of our spiritual life which is real; we need to be convinced that our spiritual life is the bigger thing in us. If we are 99.99 percent mindful of our physical world, like is usual with most of us, it is impossible. Our need to be largely mindful of God and His commands in order to live in the reality of our spiritual selves, is why the Bible says to "pray without ceasing."
God does good things in us and for us anonymously. They seem natural, but God is doing them. We don't usually realize God is doing them, because they seem natural. And, the more we follow His teachings, for instance about forgiving, the more we see Him working good in our lives.
Why does God allow bad things to happen? One must ask himself then, "Would I like to live in a world where there is no progress to be made. Who would I be if there were no one to help?" I think very few people stop to think that God is preventing even worse things from happening all the time. What if we had attack squirrels?
This is just how I understand things at this point in my life - I am not preaching.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It's Like Living Longer - Also, Growing-up
It's like living longer to do more with the 24 hours I am given each day.
I must not waste so much time - that is like shortening my life.
I am always chomping at the bit to do work, projects, and to learn - there is so much life to live!
Most of my troubles are explained by the dysfunctional family life, the unhealthy examples I modeled after, et al, in childhood.
I didn't grow-up well. I'm maladjusted.
I CAN STILL DO THE GROWING-UP I DIDN'T DO EARLIER!
Largely it will take self-control against the forces and impulses I feel, and pushing myself through the resistance I feel in myself. Literally crying-out to God wouldn't hurt, either!
I must not waste so much time - that is like shortening my life.
I am always chomping at the bit to do work, projects, and to learn - there is so much life to live!
Most of my troubles are explained by the dysfunctional family life, the unhealthy examples I modeled after, et al, in childhood.
I didn't grow-up well. I'm maladjusted.
I CAN STILL DO THE GROWING-UP I DIDN'T DO EARLIER!
Largely it will take self-control against the forces and impulses I feel, and pushing myself through the resistance I feel in myself. Literally crying-out to God wouldn't hurt, either!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Trouble Learning to Adjust
Going from being an industrial salesman to working under roof close to others daily had it's difficulties for me.
When I was a salesman, my major career, I liked getting prospects' and customers' birthdays through conversations. I would usually mail them a card. And, I just never gave up the practice. I still do this with friends, calling them or e-mailing them to wish them a happy birthday. Maybe they think it is strange.
Oftentimes, people will refer to their birthday approximately, like mentioning the month, or that they recently celebrated their birthday, or some other reference. Then, I would ask, "Which day?" They forget that we spoke of their birthday.
Customers are not as surprised, though, because it's a common practice of salespeople.
Sometimes holding onto my salesman behavior is not so good, though, and maybe I should think more about adjusting to the situation. I remember my first programming job. I would often look out the window, and wish I were "free," i.e. had more mobility. That just made me like programming less.
In 1997, as a programmer at an insurance company, there was a very nice woman I would talk with across the aisle. We often talked enthusiastically about our religion. One day I was telling her that I left my car at a garage in her part of town before work, and about our routes or something, indicating that we had been in proximity to each other on the way to work. Then I said something that stopped her from talking to me thereafter. It was a common phrase people used that had a clear meaning to those I had talked to out and about as a salesman. I joked innocently to her that, "I was following you." That ended-up being a big, big mistake. That turned her into looking like a scared little rabbit. I was so worried that I called the EAP, proactively to explain what happened. The EAP woman told me that it doesn't fit to bowl people over in an office, whereas it was normal when out selling and joking around. Later, I apologized to the scared little rabbit, and that made things better. She thanked me for explaining and apologizing.
I am sure that I made the same mistake, of bowling people over, at my new job a year ago, which led to some misunderstanding, and I got fired. Several years ago, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I learned that I have a certain degree of "adjustment disorder," whatever that means. But, it sounds like I didn't adjust myself successfully to working indoors with groups of people. And, believe it or not, big, old me has been more naive than most people all my life. (I was suppressed, repressed, and sheltered a lot in my youth.)
Ironically, I am basically a quiet person, which probably stems from being squelched in childhood. I think this leads to occasional naiveness and clumsiness in talking, because of developmental deficiencies. But, in one of my first few days in training for that job last year, the supervisor said, "You're sure quiet," which I nervously read a lot of things into. I was afraid I wouldn't be in his favor if I didn't talk more. So, I made myself more talkative.
I have never been very good at being cool, which seems to be a necessity in life. I have had a lot of depression and self-doubt kinds of things that reduce confident and successful behavior. Even in high school, the editor of the school newspaper wrote that I was "tetched in the head." I guess he thought I was different and not cool. A national guard officer told me that they had more trouble than with anybody ever in deciding whether or not to graduate me from the Reserve Officer Candidate School, probably generally due to my lack of self-confidence more than anything. (And, things didn't go well as a 2nd lieutenant - subordinates took advantage of me.)
I have just now revealed a lot about myself, but I just scratched the surface!
I try to be aware of what I need to change in myself, and I try to grow (up).
When I was a salesman, my major career, I liked getting prospects' and customers' birthdays through conversations. I would usually mail them a card. And, I just never gave up the practice. I still do this with friends, calling them or e-mailing them to wish them a happy birthday. Maybe they think it is strange.
Oftentimes, people will refer to their birthday approximately, like mentioning the month, or that they recently celebrated their birthday, or some other reference. Then, I would ask, "Which day?" They forget that we spoke of their birthday.
Customers are not as surprised, though, because it's a common practice of salespeople.
Sometimes holding onto my salesman behavior is not so good, though, and maybe I should think more about adjusting to the situation. I remember my first programming job. I would often look out the window, and wish I were "free," i.e. had more mobility. That just made me like programming less.
In 1997, as a programmer at an insurance company, there was a very nice woman I would talk with across the aisle. We often talked enthusiastically about our religion. One day I was telling her that I left my car at a garage in her part of town before work, and about our routes or something, indicating that we had been in proximity to each other on the way to work. Then I said something that stopped her from talking to me thereafter. It was a common phrase people used that had a clear meaning to those I had talked to out and about as a salesman. I joked innocently to her that, "I was following you." That ended-up being a big, big mistake. That turned her into looking like a scared little rabbit. I was so worried that I called the EAP, proactively to explain what happened. The EAP woman told me that it doesn't fit to bowl people over in an office, whereas it was normal when out selling and joking around. Later, I apologized to the scared little rabbit, and that made things better. She thanked me for explaining and apologizing.
I am sure that I made the same mistake, of bowling people over, at my new job a year ago, which led to some misunderstanding, and I got fired. Several years ago, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I learned that I have a certain degree of "adjustment disorder," whatever that means. But, it sounds like I didn't adjust myself successfully to working indoors with groups of people. And, believe it or not, big, old me has been more naive than most people all my life. (I was suppressed, repressed, and sheltered a lot in my youth.)
Ironically, I am basically a quiet person, which probably stems from being squelched in childhood. I think this leads to occasional naiveness and clumsiness in talking, because of developmental deficiencies. But, in one of my first few days in training for that job last year, the supervisor said, "You're sure quiet," which I nervously read a lot of things into. I was afraid I wouldn't be in his favor if I didn't talk more. So, I made myself more talkative.
I have never been very good at being cool, which seems to be a necessity in life. I have had a lot of depression and self-doubt kinds of things that reduce confident and successful behavior. Even in high school, the editor of the school newspaper wrote that I was "tetched in the head." I guess he thought I was different and not cool. A national guard officer told me that they had more trouble than with anybody ever in deciding whether or not to graduate me from the Reserve Officer Candidate School, probably generally due to my lack of self-confidence more than anything. (And, things didn't go well as a 2nd lieutenant - subordinates took advantage of me.)
I have just now revealed a lot about myself, but I just scratched the surface!
I try to be aware of what I need to change in myself, and I try to grow (up).
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Marriage, My Spiritual Engine
I have had a difficult marriage. It's not my wife's fault. It's just a match problem, and communication problems.
Billy Graham said, "Some of you are married to the wrong person. Then, you need to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus."
This blog entry assumes being serious about following God. And, I have concluded that's the most important thing in life, to follow my Creator.
Many things I do that result in being monogamous and in staying married are solely due to trying to obey God, and not for my wife's sake. However, these things end up being good for my wife and for myself.
I wear my ring when I leave the house, as a discipline, not because I want to.
I didn't date around much at all before "having to get married," so I admittedly yearn to enjoy the company of different women. We all know acting that out does not work. So, I do what I once heard called "hedging." I do anything I can think of to foul-up advancing a relationship. I throw a "wrench in the works" somewhere along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am ripping my guts out in doing that, because I want to get close to a woman. (Due to communication problems, my wife and I are not all that close.)
A common occurrence is for people to say, "Just get a divorce," that is, if you tell people about your misery. I strongly warn not to heed their advice. I always ignored them, because those who say that have been divorced. So, this is an example of being honest with myself, about what I need to do about my marriage.
I could write a book about this subject. But, I have written enough to get to my conclusion. For one who is trying to put God first, when they have thoughts and/or actions in favor of nurturing life and marriage, all that thought and action generates a reward of ever increasing faith, hope, and love of God, and that is what we're here for. And, experiencing all the feelings I do of being close to God, I know I am doing the "better thing." Even though, I sometimes get down thinking about what a shame to go through life being happily, unhappily married, the Eternal Life trumps that. And, Eternal Life is now and forever.
No pain, no gain!
I could call this spiritual engine my "Greener Grass Machine." The grass is not usually greener on the other side of fence. But, acknowledging marriage as a spiritual engine, one can see that it grows the greener grass!
Billy Graham said, "Some of you are married to the wrong person. Then, you need to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus."
This blog entry assumes being serious about following God. And, I have concluded that's the most important thing in life, to follow my Creator.
Many things I do that result in being monogamous and in staying married are solely due to trying to obey God, and not for my wife's sake. However, these things end up being good for my wife and for myself.
I wear my ring when I leave the house, as a discipline, not because I want to.
I didn't date around much at all before "having to get married," so I admittedly yearn to enjoy the company of different women. We all know acting that out does not work. So, I do what I once heard called "hedging." I do anything I can think of to foul-up advancing a relationship. I throw a "wrench in the works" somewhere along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am ripping my guts out in doing that, because I want to get close to a woman. (Due to communication problems, my wife and I are not all that close.)
A common occurrence is for people to say, "Just get a divorce," that is, if you tell people about your misery. I strongly warn not to heed their advice. I always ignored them, because those who say that have been divorced. So, this is an example of being honest with myself, about what I need to do about my marriage.
I could write a book about this subject. But, I have written enough to get to my conclusion. For one who is trying to put God first, when they have thoughts and/or actions in favor of nurturing life and marriage, all that thought and action generates a reward of ever increasing faith, hope, and love of God, and that is what we're here for. And, experiencing all the feelings I do of being close to God, I know I am doing the "better thing." Even though, I sometimes get down thinking about what a shame to go through life being happily, unhappily married, the Eternal Life trumps that. And, Eternal Life is now and forever.
No pain, no gain!
I could call this spiritual engine my "Greener Grass Machine." The grass is not usually greener on the other side of fence. But, acknowledging marriage as a spiritual engine, one can see that it grows the greener grass!
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