Here's Why I Was Called "Tetched" In My High School Newspaper

If you want to learn some more about me, here's some of what happened to me along the way, before I was twenty.  It is what I am encumbered with while trying to cope, grow, or even survive:

1.      Not properly nurtured.

2.      Abandonment - physical.

3.      Abandonment - emotional.

4.      Abandonment - mental/not allowed to think for myself.

5.      Physical abuse.

6.      Not socialized under age 5.

7.      Violation of boundaries AND even thoughts.

8.      Emotional abuse.

9.      Mental abuse.

10.  Sexual abuse.

11.  Pathological sibling rivalry.

12.  Scapegoated:  negative self-image, naive, go back for more abuse, lack defenses, more.

13.  No freedom of expression, squelched, shut-down.

14. Infantized.

15.  Marginalized.

16.  Emotional deprivation.

17.  Emotional incest.

18.  Triple standard.

19.  Traumatic experiences and witnessings.

20.  Terrible, frightening discord between parents, even though it was all verbal.

21.  Rage-aholic father.

22.  Triangulation.

23.  Rigid controlling atmosphere, not allowed to rebel, which boys need to do.

I hope I didn't depress you!

Thank you for reading this far.  This is a life.  We are all sacred.

I have learned a lot in dealing with the above, but still have significant trouble due to it.

"With God, all things are possible."

Watch My Amplifier

I can think negatively so much that I get painfully depressed.  Most often this happens in bed when I wake up too early.  It also happens later in the day when I feel slighted by another person. And, there are other times.

I need to watch out how much I amplify disquieting thoughts and feelings.  I can control that.

"Be like an astute businessman and make stillness your criterion for testing the value of everything, and choose always what contributes to it."  (Philokalia vol. 1, p. 33)

It works.

I woke up too early this morning and was having a lot of "woe is me" thoughts to the point of almost thinking I have "a dim view of everyone," as my older brother told me he has.  (I don't want to be like him, for numerous reasons.)

I realized that two heavy things were on my mind lately.  One was trying to decide what to do about my savings due to the U.S. government possibly getting a lowered credit rating.  The other was preparing to talk to a lawyer about a wrongful discharge from employment in September, 2010.  I got the idea that I could put one of the two aside a few days; I could table the preparation for the lawyer until after the government credit crisis is passed.

This is what I did, combined with a decision to get up and get out and walk down to the coffee shop.  I had a pleasant walk and six pleasant conversations with others on my journey.

After a short time of deciding to get up and get out, I was feeling better.  Plus, in recent days, I had been pondering the concept of watching how much I amplify my thoughts and feelings, and I was trying to watch my amplifier.

And, last but not least, when I was in my downward spiraling thinking this morning, I was concurrently talking with God about it.  He probably helped me make the decision to table the one issue, and to take a walk.  And, He probably put those six people in my path.

How Close to Others

As I lay awake in the middle of the night, I was thinking that I have never really felt close to any woman.  I don't trust them to be honest and fully accepting and trusting of me and loyal to me.

I wondered how much of that was caused by my mother's example in her relationships, and how she treated me, and how she acted, with her quirks and fears.

I wondered if the source of that were more from me or from them.  I wondered if God has it in His plan for me to feel that close with any woman ever.

I asked God about it.  I started getting thoughts that I should feel that close to everyone.  And how?  By being at one with them, unified and united with the good in them.  Letting the bad in them fall away, fall off of them, by forgiving, accepting, and loving them.