Trouble Learning to Adjust

Going from being an industrial salesman to working under roof close to others daily had it's difficulties for me.

When I was a salesman, my major career, I liked getting prospects' and customers' birthdays through conversations.  I would usually mail them a card.  And, I just never gave up the practice.  I still do this with friends, calling them or e-mailing them to wish them a happy birthday.  Maybe they think it is strange.

Oftentimes, people will refer to their birthday approximately, like mentioning the month, or that they recently celebrated their birthday, or some other reference.  Then, I would ask, "Which day?"  They forget that we spoke of their birthday.

Customers are not as surprised, though, because it's a common practice of salespeople.

Sometimes holding onto my salesman behavior is not so good, though, and maybe I should think more about adjusting to the situation.  I remember my first programming job.  I would often look out the window, and wish I were "free," i.e. had more mobility.  That just made me like programming less.

In 1997, as a programmer at an insurance company, there was a very nice woman I would talk with across the aisle.  We often talked enthusiastically about our religion.  One day I was telling her that I left my car at a garage in her part of town before work, and about our routes or something, indicating that we had been in proximity to each other on the way to work.  Then I said something that stopped her from talking to me thereafter.  It was a common phrase people used that had a clear meaning to those I had talked to out and about as a salesman.  I joked innocently to her that, "I was following you."  That ended-up being a big, big mistake.  That turned her into looking like a scared little rabbit.  I was so worried that I called the EAP, proactively to explain what happened.  The EAP  woman told me that it doesn't fit to bowl people over in an office, whereas it was normal when out selling and joking around.  Later, I apologized to the scared little rabbit, and that made things better.  She thanked me for explaining and apologizing.

I am sure that I made the same mistake, of bowling people over, at my new job a year ago, which led to some misunderstanding, and I got fired.  Several years ago, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I learned that I have a certain degree of "adjustment disorder," whatever that means.  But, it sounds like I didn't adjust myself successfully to working indoors with groups of people.  And, believe it or not, big, old me has been more naive than most people all my life.  (I was suppressed, repressed, and sheltered a lot in my youth.)

Ironically, I am basically a quiet person, which probably stems from being squelched in childhood.  I think this leads to occasional naiveness and clumsiness in talking, because of developmental deficiencies.  But, in one of my first few days in training for that job last year, the supervisor said, "You're sure quiet,"  which I nervously read a lot of things into.  I was afraid I wouldn't be in his favor if I didn't talk more.  So, I made myself more talkative.

I have never been very good at being cool, which seems to be a necessity in life.  I have had a lot of depression and self-doubt kinds of things that reduce confident and successful behavior.  Even in high school, the editor of the school newspaper wrote that I was "tetched in the head."  I guess he thought I was different and not cool.  A national guard officer told me that they had more trouble than with anybody ever in deciding whether or not to graduate me from the Reserve Officer Candidate School, probably generally due to my lack of self-confidence more than anything.  (And, things didn't go well as a 2nd lieutenant - subordinates took advantage of me.)

I have just now revealed a lot about myself, but I just scratched the surface!

I try to be aware of what I need to change in myself, and I try to grow (up).

Marriage, My Spiritual Engine

I have had a difficult marriage.  It's not my wife's fault.  It's just a match problem, and communication problems.

Billy Graham said, "Some of you are married to the wrong person.  Then, you need to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus."

This blog entry assumes being serious about following God.  And, I have concluded that's the most important thing in life, to follow my Creator.

Many things I do that result in being monogamous and in staying married are solely due to trying to obey God, and not for my wife's sake.  However, these things end up being good for my wife and for myself.

I wear my ring when I leave the house, as a discipline, not because I want to.

I didn't date around much at all before "having to get married," so I admittedly yearn to enjoy the company of different women.  We all know acting that out does not work.  So, I do what I once heard called "hedging."  I do anything I can think of to foul-up advancing a relationship.  I throw a "wrench in the works" somewhere along the way.  Sometimes I feel like I am ripping my guts out in doing that, because I want to get close to a woman.  (Due to communication problems, my wife and I are not all that close.)

A common occurrence is for people to say, "Just get a divorce," that is, if you tell people about your misery.  I strongly warn not to heed their advice. I always ignored them, because those who say that have been divorced.  So, this is an example of being honest with myself, about what I need to do about my marriage.

I could write a book about this subject.  But, I have written enough to get to my conclusion.  For one who is trying to put God first, when they have thoughts and/or actions in favor of nurturing life and marriage, all that thought and action generates a reward of ever increasing faith, hope, and love of God, and that is what we're here for.  And, experiencing all the feelings I do of being close to God, I know I am doing the "better thing."  Even though, I sometimes get down thinking about what a shame to go through life being happily, unhappily married, the Eternal Life trumps that.  And, Eternal Life is now and forever.

No pain, no gain!

I could call this spiritual engine my "Greener Grass Machine."  The grass is not usually greener on the other side of fence.  But, acknowledging marriage as a spiritual engine, one can see that it grows the greener grass!