Clean Garbage Thinking

Not all garbage is dirty.

All my  extraneous thinking is too, too much.  If I learn to avoid it even before I attain pure thinking, before I rid myself of sinful and/or selfish thinking, that would be a major improvement.

Ridding myself of that probably even will reduce my stress and improve my self-esteem enough to lessen the desire for seeking sin to feel better.  The absence of excess, random thinking brings the presence of God, brings union with Him.  Religiosity creates lots of thinking, holding yardsticks up to myself and others, self-flagellation.  This is self-defeating in reaching the goal of peace in the presence of God.

My  garbage thinking is hugely about not measuring-up.  The thoughts are small and can hardly be noticed – they swarm like mosquitoes.  If I catch one, I need to consider which is more important, what that thought is about, or what peace not thinking such thoughts will bring.  They are like the dust around a tornado at the ground.  They get stirred up by my beliefs about having to improve, control, perform.  This may actually be how lack of performance and lack of accomplishment come about, at least in my case.  It could start with impatience, which hides many maladies behind it’s cloak. 

All that garbage thinking is about getting where and how I want to be, and it misses the mark.  That method will keep me perpetually behind where I want to be, which is to “be is still and know that I am God."

This is how even thinking about things that are not sinful is garbage.

All is well with my soul, now, if I just rest my mind.

Can I Find Some More Discipline?

I've got some discipline, but I want to say, "I don't have any discipline."  Many people generalize and say that a shortcoming of theirs is total and universal throughout their behavior.  But, we sell ourselves short by not recognizing shortcomings are usually limited.

I know at least two things I have good discipline in: exercising, and personal hygiene.  So there!  I didn't underrate myself this time!

I am attempting to commit to writing my blog daily, for some good reasons.  First, if anyone reads it and wants to read what's next, a new writing will be there the next day.  And, if I do write it daily, it will be somewhat of a paradigm shift in my routine, of which I have very little of, routines.  I have a great deal of difficulty managing myself. 

That might have something to do with never having been a manager or leader.  I have an MBA, and have worked over thirty years, and never have been a manager.  Low self-esteem is another cause of that I am sure.  And, I believe something I discovered in my mid-fifties is another important reason.  That is being a scapegoat in my birth family, which included what I call a "pathological sibling rivalry" with my nine years older brother.  I think that is a major factor in my excelling in many things, then walking away from what I achieved; I was trained not to do better than my brother.

You can see that I have lots to write about, and in subsequent writings I will delve into these sorts of things and some progress I have made in dealing with them.  And, I have other subject to write about, also.

Dr. Bob on Humility

Sometimes I am inspired with some good ideas to type about.  So far, since I began my blog June 1st, 2011, I have not had a time like that.  But, I am cognizant that I must write daily, for anyone who might read something and want to come back for more on another day.

Dr. Bob Smith is a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have included something from him.

"On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility.  'Perpetual quietness of heart.  It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.'"

(from Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p.222)

The Cost of Feeling Bad

Feeling bad can be reduced or eliminated.

I have been feeling  bad all of my life, often.  I get bad feelings from not doing better.  Or, other people not doing better.  I get hurt feelings way too often.  I feel undeserved shame all too often.  I feel deprived. And so on.

My career has been like a train wreck.

There is a close connection between my messed-up career and my tendency to feel bad.

Recently, I came to believe that I can control my bad feelings.  I don't have to frolic in my feelings, when I think about the cost.  I hate to admit, that along with realizing that I can limit my bad feelings, I realized that lack of humility feeds them and makes them grow.  How dare they do that to me?  Who do they think they are?  I'm not going to do a project because I am afraid I won't do it perfectly.  Why is everybody always picking on me?

The bad feelings impede living a successful life.  They hamstring me.  They do no good at all.

Why didn't I do this earlier?  I wasn't ready.  Now I have a whole lifetime to review what has happened.

God Often Does Things in My Life in Threes

Some months after God said, "Don't think about it, and I will take care of you," I was looking out the back window at the trees and sky.  I asked God, "Do you really love me?" and He said, "Of course I love you."

Some years after that, I was meditating.  I was about to fall asleep, and God said my name.  It was a nice, masculine voice.

Those are the three times God spoke to me in words, that I can remember, or that I heard.

Not as This World Giveth

I don't feel like I can write well today.  However, today is an anniversary I revere in my personal history.  I have heard that if you are interested in being a writer, you should write something everyday.  And, I have heard from a few that I should write, because they enjoyed something I wrote.  (That never happened when I was going through school, though.)

I had the urge to apply myself to writing that others may be interested in, maybe, for a long time.  And, today is the 20th anniversary of something very wonderful that happened to me that I was trying to think of a way to honor.  Not coming up with anything, I got the idea two days ago that starting writing would be my way to mark this anniversary.

Like I said, I don't feel like writing today, so I will just type about the event without a lot of words.  For a couple of weeks prior to June 3, 1991, I was doing almost constant negative thinking about something.  This got me in a depressive dark cloud.  Then, on this day twenty years ago, God spoke to me.  The words came crystal clear into my head, not into my ears.  There was an unearthly light everywhere.  God said, "Don't think about it, and I will take care of you."  And, at that moment He took away the depression.  I stopped thinking those negative thoughts about that unmentioned subject.

Ever since, I have treated those words as highly as I treat scripture.  They help me.

My Brain is Like a Lawnmower Engine Missing a Part

Lawnmower engines have a governor that prevents the rotations per minute from getting too high.  And, of course, lawnmower engines have spark plugs.

Sometimes my brain races about stuff, then I feel miserable.  It is like an engine without a governor.

Sometimes thoughts come into my mind like sparks from a spark plug.  My cognitions are like rapid-fire ignitions at times like that.

On occasion, I decide to try my very best to not think for just two minutes.  (Unplug my spark plug.)  It seems do-able.  And, when I succeed, it turns everything for the better, and I no longer feel miserable.  I then go quite awhile without racing thoughts, I can think better, and I have more energy.  I get a lot of "bang for my buck" from those two minutes of not thinking.

I'm Not Too Fond of Being Called "Buddy"

I have a good old friend who is bi-polar.  We were talking today about how we don't enjoy being called "Buddy."  It seems cold, impersonal, and shallow.  We certainly are not buddies of the people who call us "buddy."

I said that there are not many people who are as deeply alive and aware as we are.  That brought to mind some script from the last "Monk" show, which I could really appreciate.  Monk had obsessive, compulsive disorder.  In this show, Adrian Monk's best friend and police chief said this about the dying Monk, and I felt like it fit myself and my good old friend:

"I had him all wrong.  I know that now.  I always thought that Monk was not all there, like there was something missing, like he was less than human.

"But, he wasn't missing anything, he was seeing more than anybody, he was feeling more than anybody.  That was his problem.  He was too human.  If we had more like him, we'd be better off."